Invictus Pt.1...

"Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the Pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed..."

For the last 2 days, I have sat in my apartment all day...and done nothing. Absolutely...nothing. Not a bit of homework...no work on my monologues...just watched tv...surfed the net...and stared at my walls. For the past week, the subject of my future has been all I can think about...nd I have no answers. Going into college i had it all figured out. I had a plan "A-F"...after my junior year I didn't wanna come home for the summer{although I'm glad I did} because i wanted to hurry up and start my senior year and get it over with...last semester I couldn't wait to get it over with so tht I would be one semester closer to graduating. But as Winter Break came closer and closer to a close, I found myself not ready to leave...nd now tht I'm here, all I can think about is going back home.

So this morning I woke up...nd had an epiphany. Well kinda...I realized tht I'm starting to have cold feet.Fact of the matter is...I'm scared. i don't know what the future holds...its a big world out there...nd some people are ready to kick my ass, while others are ready to embrace it. I've already made simple mistakes tht will def mess up certain plans tht I had for the future...but thts ok...what's done is done. But this morning as I was watching an episode of "OTH", I remembered the poem "Invictus" by William Henley...nd I got inspired...I got up...did 50 sit-ups{cuz I'm working on having a flat stomach by March}...showered...and planned for a trip to Target with my cuz to get some things to brighten my room{cuz white walls are not helping my situation or my sanity}...nd just basically pull myself out of my slump nd get it together...I refuse to have a semester as drab as last year.

That was the plan...

As I was waiting for my cuz to tell me that he was on his way to get me, my friend Jared called me asking if I wanted to go see our old teacher Ms. Leon...cuz it might be the last time we see her. So I cancelled my Target trip and went to the hospital. I really don't like hospitals...nd cnt even remember the last time I was in one...if ever to visit someone. Walking dwn those halls is so scary and depressing...not to mention seeing all the sick people nd...it just freaks me out. So once we get to her room nd I see her....if any of you have seen a dying person up close u know how I'm feeling right now. she hadn't eaten in 2 days cuz her feeding tube keeps getting infected...she had a high fever...she was laying on her side and couldn't roll over...she couldn't talk...but you could tell thru her facial reactions to us tht she was trying so hard to communicate with us...it was just...wow. To see a person tht you knew to always be so full of life dying...is too tragic for words. I couldn't even talk when I first entered her room...I couldn't even look her in her eyes...it immeadately made me think of my grandmother and her last days and how I wasn't there to share them with her because I was afraid...and in a way I was glad tht I had another opportunity to face my fears.

As I was leaving her hospital...I realized tht Ms. Leon never once taught me to not face my fears. I remembering doing a monologue in her acting class and her trying to pull "more" out of me. After class I told her that I was on the verge of tears while trying to "give more" but I pulled back and didn't go there. When I told her that...she looked at me and said "well why didn't you? Acting is about takes risks and being vulnerable...not about being safe. Safe actors don't get work." These words started to and still are echoing thru my mind...for the past few months...I've been safe. I've been making safe choices and not taking chances...I've been hiding behind my relationships with my boyfriend and my friends...because they're safe. I have security. I know tht no matter what they're there and they love me. But just because I step out of my comfort zone doesn't mean that I'm not safe. I mean...look at me and Clark for example...I came out her on my own...no family to help me...no close friends...I wasn't even really sure if I wanted to be here...but look at me now...I have great friends...done great things...I'm on the E-Board of two different organizations...and I've grown a lot as a person...I just need to make that leap.

And I think I'm finally ready to prepare myself...

"Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds, and shall find, me unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul."