I'm Afraid That...

...the girl that he deserves...is the girl that I no longer kno how to be.










....and I'm not sure I wanna be that girl anymore.

Words 2 Live By...

I will not die an unlived life
I will not live in fear
Of falling or catching fire
I choose to inhabit my days
To allow my living to open me
To make me less afraid
More accessible
To loosen my heart
Until it becomes a wing
A torch, a promise
I choose to risk my significance
To live so that which came to me as a seed
Goes to the next as a blossom
And that which came to me as a blossom
Goes on as fruit.
-Dawna Markova{as seen on Ms. Carol Mitchell-Leon's office door}

1 Of The Best Weekends Ever...

3 reasons why:
1) I [[heart]] my friends...they are truly some of the greatest friends a girl could ask for.
2) My Cakin Mission for the weekend: Accomplished. LOL...hey...if you cnt be with the one you love, love the one your with! LOL.
And lastly...
3) I got 2 c my idol AUDRA MCDONALD in concert 2day!!!! It was amazing! To know that I was even breathing the same air that she was breathing was totally orgasmic! LOL. I feel like my life had no purpose until 2day...I could slip off in2 a coma 2nite for the next 2 years and not regret missing life for a while. Haha...j/k.

But for those of you who don't kno who Audra McDonald is...peep the vids...





And in case you still don't recognize her...she also plays Taye Diggs' ex-wife on Private Practice and played Diddy's wife on "A Raisin In The Sun"...seriously...this chick is baaaaaaaaaaaaaad{n a good way...LOL.}if I can be half as good an actress as she is...I've arrived.

P.S...I'd like 2 send a special shoutout to Mr. Brandon J. Gardner for surprising me with the tickets...swear...u r 1 the greatest friends ever!

I Am Definitely Ditching Spanish Right Now...

I really need to get my act 2gether on that...but it just seems so early in the morning.

So since I've been single{cnt u tell I'm enjoyin bein free=)}, I've been dealing with that whole "talkin"/datin...thing. 1st off, let me just point out that this is the first time in my life that I am actually doin the "dating thing"...I was n a relationship all throughout hs that ended in the middle my freshman year of college and left me pretty hurt for a while so I really wasn't dealin with dudes for a good minute...and my last one was long distance and we never went on an official date...we hung out from time to time....but nothing official{I'm sure he'd say otherwise...which is why we aren't 2gether right now.} But anyway...one thing I'm learning about dating is that after you've been with sum1 for a long period of time and they kno you inside and out, to start over with sum1 who doesn't kno much...is hard as hell. I sumtimes find myself getting angry at a certain person because as much as he showers me with attention, he only focuses on 1 aspect of my personality...he doesn't even try to find out what other things interest me or make me happy. And me being the asshole that I am, is just so accostumed to dating people that were my best friends b4 we got 2gether so they knew every aspect of me and my many different personalities, that I sometimes I forget that this guy isn't one of my best friends so he doesn't kno all there is to kno but I sometimes mercilessly penalize him for that. And I kno that's wrong...but I cnt help it. =/.

This Has Got To Be Thee Best Day In '08...

Today started off really sucky for me...I got this class that is just really sucky and my teacher is a complete asshole! So anyway...I was just really dwn cuz it's the 1st class that I have ever felt dumb in. U kno wat, screw it...I'm just gonna get 2 the point.... MY FRIEND GOT ME TICKETS 2 C AUDRA MCDONALD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Most of ya'll don't really kno who she is...but she is 1 of my freakin role models/heroes/idols...whatever the hell you wanna call them...she is one of the reasons I wanted to be an actor. And their good seats!!!!!! I cnt wait...the greatest day of life happens this Sunday!!!!!

Good Friday...

My Good Friday consisted of...."Meet the Browns"...boys...booze...music...Ice pops...singin...dancin...grindin...arguments...cussin...4 am...random aims{sent and recieved}...pictures...sports bras...the Publix dude...joy rides in shopping carts...Public Safety...Boneheads patio...the cute boy in the white shirt...Keyshia Cole...a overfriendly waitress...the "scream"...Dior...aspirin...Gabe...white boy..."no disrespect"...Wally...heat...laughs...shots...memories..."straight shots and then pop bottles...YEP!"...my girls...Phylli...New Rochelle...and all of that in no particular order. Pictures coming soon.

50 Random Things You Might Wanna Know About Me...

1) I'm very misunderstood.
2) I don't like chocolate...except for brownies.
3) I have feet issues...I don't wear sandals unless my feet are done...and I cnt stand other people's feet.
4) I learn something new about myself everyday
5) My career comes before anything else...anything.
6) My favorite playwright is August Wilson
7) To me personally, I think that crying is a sign of weakness...but I don't judge those around me who cry...I just don't do it.
8) I think that hugs could save the world
9) I play the chimes...and I love it...yeah I said it!
10) I overthink everything
11) I cuss...A LOT.
12) I'm attracted to swag...you don't have to be extremely cute...if you have swag...if not...u betta be sexy as hell
13) I love kickbacks/movie nights/viewing parties
14) I'm addicted to Ms. Pac-Man and Mappy...I play them at least once a day
15) I love going to the movies...BY MYSELF
16) Music sets me free
17) I have some issues with my parents...but I still love them
18) I love my best friend...and wouldn't trade him for anything in the world
19) I recently found out what it felt like to be in an "almost perfect" relationship...and what it felt like to walk away from it
20) I'm very lowkey
21) I have a pet cat named Hercules that I miss daily and have some of the best wrestling matches with
22) I'm almost 21...and I still don't have my L's.
23) With #22 being said...I love walking and catching the bus
24) I love writing poetry...but I'm scared to read it in front of people
25) I don't plan on having kids...but just in case I do...I already have their names planned
26) I'm addicted to tattoos
27) I love having random convos for hours
28) I can't stand smokers...and will NEVER date a dude that smokes!
29) If by some weird freak accident I am unable to become an actor, I would be a personal shopper or interior designer
30) I love food...literally...the fastest way to my heart...is thru my stomach.
31) When I'm in a relationship, I like to give my all...and I don't like it when my significant other doesn't even acknowledge the fact that I am.
32) I love Grey's Anatomy, Private Practice, and Desperate Housewives and can't till they return with new episodes
33) I was a big Barney fan...till I was 11.
34) I still love watching Arthur and Sesame Street
35) I can't sleep on my back...if I fall asleep on it, I'll pop up out of my sleep 3hrs later.
36) I'm an impulse shopper
37) I love the beach
38) I never miss an undies sale at Victoria's Secret
39) I don't like scary movies...AT ALL.
40) My dad is the greatest man I'll ever know...point blank. period.
41) I'm still good friends with all of my ex's...cept for one...cheatin bastard
42) I hate when people lie to me
43) I get these weird feelings in the pit of my stomach whenever sum1 really needs to tell me something...or when someone is totally lying to me
44) I can feel when sum1 close to me dies
45) I'm better at meeting people one at a time then in groups
46) The sexiest body part of a man to me, is his mind...the second sexiest is...the "D'angelo crease". LOL.
47) I internalize a lot of feelings...and sometimes I have emotional overload and just shut down
48) I can be a real asshole sumtimes
49) I don't like guys who try to impress me by stating their knowledge of me
50) I hate chitterlings.

My BFF...

BFF's 4Ever!
So I've decided to dedicate this post 2 my BFF...Ryan! LOL.

Real spit...this dude is the "Dre" to my "Sydney"...except there's no love. Haha. He always keeps me grounded and helps me remember that I'm still young and have a life to live too. Whenever I need him he's there. I swear he's like the #4 dude in my life...after GOD...my dad...and my cuz. We've had some rough times...he's an ass...I'ma have his...11 years and countin haters! LOL...I really miss him! LOL...and he's single ladies...holla at ya girl 4 the hookup! Haha.

Picture This...

"The true beauty of a woman must be seen in her eyes, because that is the doorway to her heart-the place where love resides."

My aunt sent that to me in an e-mail today and as I read it, I immeadiately started thinking...I have yet to meet someone who could totally look into my eyes...and stand what they saw. Sure some have said that they are willing to do whatever it takes to make me happy...but when the going gets tough...the tough get going. But hey...all in love is fair.

I Want...

I want to be a Tony Award winning actress
More than anything in this world
I wanna be able to always know
The path that GOD has chosen for me
So I can follow it without objection
I want to be forever internally happy
Because sadness is a waste of time
I want to be able to know how it feels
To have made a powerful impact on someone's life
I wanna know what it feels like to be missed everyday
By someone that I miss just as much
I wanna know what it feels like to go on an official date
With someone that I am wholeheartedly feelin
I wanna know what it feels like to have someone in my life
That wants to give me everything I want and need
But knows that me having just having them is enough
I wanna see myself in the same light that others see me in
I wanna be completely free of all self-conciousness
But most of all
I wanna experience love
Free of all rules, objections, restrictions, and inhibitions
Is that too much to ask?

Lowkey...

So the other day me and my Left Brain were talking and we somehow got on the topic of being "lowkey"...now for those who dnt understand the term "lowkey", it means, "to be on the dl{no homo}", or just used to describe keeping something on the dl. So anyways...me and my Left Brain were talking and in the middle of the convo...I realized that I am a real lowkey person in general. I say that because:
1)I kno people but I dnt KNO evrybody...I'm not one of those that says they kno somebody cuz they kicked it with them thru a mutual friend once but after that never saw them again. but, if I'm n a social setting like a party or a kickback and I see people there that I've met b4, I will acknowledge their presence. So it's like...I kno a lot of people...but on the low...u get wat I'm sayin? LOL.
2)After having a convo with the BFF about how the guys talked about girls in hs...and having a few "drunken truths" spoken to me at a certain party recently...AND just remembering all my past experiences w. guys in the past, I have come to realize that, I am one of the "lowkey pretty girls". Yeah...you kno the "not exactly supermodel"..."not exactly skeez"...everybody thinks she's pretty but she secretly doubts herself type chick. It's like...I'm the chick most dudes would consider as "wifey material" later...but the sweet girl they're afraid to hurt now. Honestly...I feel some kinda way about that! LOL. A few flattering compliments here and there can do a lot for a girl's confidence...and I'm not saying I have low self-esteem...but I am admitting that I do have some insecurities about my appearance...and as much as it isn't your job to help me get over them...think about it...the girl that you see as "wifey material" now...is gonna have a harder time believing she's "wifey material" when you want her to be...cuz she spent so much time doubting herself now.
3)Is simple...I'm just a real laidback type of female. My idea of goin out and chillin with my dude doesn't really involve and expensive dinner and an expensive trip somewhere...we could just go for a walk...or go to the park and chill...yep...I like the simple things.

Hey...I appreciate and love my "lowkey-ness"...whether anybody else does...or not.

Please Don't Let Me Be Misunderstood...

"I'm just a soul whose intentions are good...o Lord...please don't let me be misunderstood..."




It's funny how Nina Simone sung those words at least 30 years ago...and it's ringing true with my soul today. Sometimes I feel like no matter what I do or how hard I try to explain myself I'm just simply...misunderstood. I think the problem stems from me being internally closed. As much as I talk...I keep alot of serious issues inside me. And because of that, people don't always see or understand the "root" of my actions and sayings. And half the time...I don't feel like I should have to explain them. If you were to sit and have a serious and honest convo with me...you would know that I am definitely more than what meets the eye...or airwaves for that matter. I think that we as a human race are so busy being wrapped up in ourselves that we don't even stop to think about if we are taking the people around us at face value. People have become satisfied with knowing people on the minimal level...and then become upset or confused when someone tries to introduce them to a deeper level than they are accustomed. When I use to blog on myspace, I had many people read them and then come up to me and tell me that they couldn't believe that I could write something so emotionally charged/emo/angry/the list could go on...and I would always question them in my head like "why is it so impossible to think that I could write or feel like that?" There are a lot of people in this world that are being taken at face value and I am one of them...are u??????

On another note...*R.I.P.* B. Ray...I've been thinkin bout her a lot lately...wish she was still here.

So...Another Chapter Has Been Finished...

...and bookmarked.

So after I posted the goodbye letter...I decided 2 let "Batman"c it...and...it's over.

I cnt say that I'm not hurt...because that would be a lie...but this time around...it's a good hurt. I feel in sum ways like I finally got my heart back. We're still best buddies...he knows more about me than most will ever have the opportunity to know. I think I'll always love him...he says the same...and maybe one day we'll open this chapter again...but right now...we're better off this way.

It's kinda funny cuz like I wanna know how I'll be the 1st time I see him or hear his voice...I wonder how we're gonna react...like lowkey I wonder how it's gonna be...well...I'll cross that bridge when I get there...

When I look back on us...I have nothing but good memories...and no regrets...welpz..."it's over noooooow...it's over now." And I wish him nuthing but the best that God and this world have to offer.

So yes...I'm single...and I think I wanna stay that way for awhile.

Goodbye Letter...

Batman

So I'm writin this here...cuz I kno u'll never c it. Over the past few days I've had some problems dealing with the thought of letting you go. But now I understand that is the best thing to do...4 the both of us. Sometimes love means knowing when to let someone go so they can grow. So as I turn my back and slowly start to put 1 foot in front of the other, know that it's not becuz I dnt love you anymore, or becuz I've found sumbody else, or becuz I think you've found sumbody else...I'm doin it becuz I love you and ur friendship more than anything else we've EVER shared. So dnt feel bad...continue 2 do u...who knows what heaven has in store for us 2gether...or apart.




*Batgirl*

Spring Break '08!!!

It is here!!!

And I am in LA!!!!

It feels good to be home! I missed just chillin...I missed my friends...I missed my bed...I missed my fam...and I missed the sunlight! I haven't had a chance 2 hit the beach, the tattoo parlor, or the massage therapist yet...but I will by the end of the week.

Possible kickback w. the crew this Friday...tba.

I Don't Wanna Be Loved...I Don't Wanna Be Loved...

"...I just want a quickie."

So I'm beginnning 2 want sum of "the casualities in between" that I talked about in a previous post...

Like my BFF said..."I mean...you gotta live 2."

...and a girl does have her needs...

...to be continued...

It's Over!!!

After 5 long months...it is finally over!!! My play "Threepenny Opera" has finally opened and closed! I feel like a big weight has been lifted off my chest...LOL...I was breathin all extra deep yesterday...haha. But as happy as I am 2 c it go...I am sad 2 c it go. I made a lot of good friends with the cast...I mean...we went thru hell{literally} and back 2gether. We were strong for each other when we cudnt b 4 ourselves...I'ma really miss my backbone...but I kno we still got each other.

On another note...the cast party was...a nite of alcohol and truth...haha. Didn't start drinkin till 3 in the mornin...got back 2 my room at 7...n bed by 7:20...up at 11:30...*smh*...can't wait till the next 1! LOL.

And if ya'll haven't noticed...I'm me again! Yep...the dark days are over! It feels so good to be myself...and with that bein said...it's time to clean house! I'm sayin bye to a lot of things that are no longer needed in my life...and that does include a few people.

But there's this guy...I love him...

He motivates me so much...but I just don't kno if we're meant 2 b...at least 4 right now...heaven only knows...

I have so much runnin thru my head right now...sorry if this thing is random...well actually...I'm not...nobody reads this anyway...

"The world keeps burnin..." sorry...got erykah flowin thru the headphones.

Sometimes I wonder if I'm just chasing a fantasy and that we shud have ended what we had so long ago...but then I think about how it feels when we're together...and how he makes me 4get all my troubles...and I never have 2 doubt him making me smile...even over aim...but at the same time...sumtimes I feel like with us...love isn't enough...

Maybe it is better that we break 4 a sec...get ourselves 2gether...and c what else the world has 2 offer us...then if it's meant 2 be, we'll appreciate each other more cuz we'll kno wat it feels like to b with and without each other...but 2 say goodbye 2 all that we've shared...he knos more about me than anybody else...it hurts just thinkin about it.